Sometimes we fall in love when we are most vulnerable .. not when we are most happy.
Sometimes we fall in love in the midst of our deep grief.
Sometimes we need to be stripped away from our defenses in order to actually let someone in.
People can fall in love when they share a common story .. a common pain.
They can bond over a deeply life-changing experience.
They can find healing in one another as they expose their long-hidden stories.
They can see and feel the tenderness and care as they show the parts of themselves that they don’t know how to love.
Some of us have done so much self-healing .. we are ready .. but we are scared.
And that is okay.
It is okay to be scared.
But we have to put aside this notion that we have to be “fully whole and complete” before we can be ready to love.
That is not realistic nor is it helpful.
We absolutely do want to be working on our healing and tending to our wounded parts.
We want to be learning new insights and gathering relationship tools to better prepare us for love.
We want to have some sense of boundaries in place so that we don’t fall for someone who manipulates us or is genuinely harmful.
But sometimes a relationship becomes the mirror we need to help us actually see what we need to work on.
And then we get to decide if we are willing to do that work.
We are allowed to have flaws.
My god we are allowed to have flaws.
We are allowed to learn how to love along the way.
We are allowed to have someone help us become better at loving through their mere presence.
In fact, I really can’t imagine learning any other way.
To risk getting inside the messy, beautiful, and painful parts of love that can only happen when we fully immerse ourselves inside of it. #coachingwithsilvy
Our first exposure to relationships is through our caregivers. 👉🏻 SWIPE 👉🏻 These relationships become the blueprint for all other relationships in our lives, especially our romantic ones.
They give us our first glimpse of what love looks like. It’s where we learn how people interact in conflict and how to get your needs met.
It’s also where you get a sense for your equilibrium and what feels comfortable for you. Some of us learn to thrive in chaos, while others are attracted to a more dependable speed.
The person in the example above may also think that yelling is normal and what people who “love each other” do.
They may find that being useful and helpful is the ultimate way to secure love.
They may prioritize their physical appearance.
If I had to really simplify this, I find that people who grew up in tumultuous homes or people who had strained relationships with caregivers do one of two things:
1. They are drawn to (usually subconsciously) relationships that look exactly like the one they had with their caregivers or that their caregivers had. They repeat these relationships over and over with little to no success. They may do this in an attempt to re-write the past or because it’s what is known and comfortable.
2. They are attracted to relationships that are the complete opposite of their caregivers and seek out anything that is in opposition. Again, this usually happens subconsciously. It may be in an attempt to get what they were not given or to avoid “becoming their parents.”
Both of these options are rooted in conditioning and are not conscious choice.
The goal is to get to a place where you can make choices about what you want to include and what you do not want to include in your life. Awareness is everything.
Insecurity likes to find a way to negotiate and bargain with our boundaries. Insecurity likes to tell us that we’re not worth asking to be spoken to differently. Insecurity likes to tell us that we are not deserving of transparent communication. It likes to tell us that we don’t get to ask for something different that is going to honor and respect us.
Insecurity likes to creep in and tell us that if we do, we risk losing the person. It slithers in and let’s us know that not having the other person stay with us is the greatest threat of all time. It tells us that others can treat us in ways unimaginable because it’s what we’re used to and so that’s what we get.
Insecurity is learned and observed. It’s absorbed through experiences. It’s picked up along the way through narratives both spoken or subtle.
I ask you this. Name your insecurities. I know it’s not fun, but name them. Say them out loud to yourself. Write them down somewhere. And then consider where they came from? How’d they get there? Where did the belief come from? Did you see it played out with your parent’s relationship? Did you see a parent struggling with their own insecurity? Was there comparison between you and a sibling? Were there narratives around what you need to do to “keep a man”? Were there suggestions about your looks? Was there emphasis around what’s attractive and what isn’t? Was a parent stuck in an unhealthy pattern? Unpack it. Really dive in. It’s important. Unpack your insecurities so you can repackage them with empowerment, resiliency, and strength.
Once you identify what you believe, explore how those beliefs contribute to function or dysfunction in your life and relationships. See how it holds you hostage or allows for freedom. If it’s dysfunction and being held hostage, explore where you need to strengthen your beliefs. Lean into that. Day by day. Write about it. Bring gentleness and love to those parts. Envision the way you want to believe about yourself. Envision the healthy expectations to hold for yourself and work your way there every day. Work on this so that your insecurities do not rule you and keep you in a disempowered position. #mindfulmft
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Whether the anxiety stems from work, parenting, finances, physical issues, or even world conditions, You are there, Lord, to shoulder the weight. Teach me to recognize the stressful trials as tools for you to shape me and rearrange me. Through those difficult times, You will teach me patience, enlarge my faith, and help me see things I couldn't see earlier—if I will only let You. When I'm clueless as to what to do, Lord, I want to turn to you first, not last.
Forgive me for trying to handle things on my own, Lord. The need to be in control sometimes gets a stronghold on my life. That only makes things worse. I want to trust You more and see things from Your perspective, not my own. No one makes me feel uptight, angry, or stressed, and no one forces me to react negatively. I choose to respond according to my beliefs. Do I believe You are in control? Do I believe You created all things and hold all things in Your Hand? Do I believe You are truly good? When an anxious thought creeps in, help me to stop and relax, to take that thought captive, and to turn apprehension into a calm prayer for deliverance. Revamp my belief system, Lord. Show me a new way to handle life according to Your Way.
Imagine spending 40 years studying thousands of couples to learn the science behind good relationships, that’s what John and Julia Gottman (both have PhDs) have done. 👨⚕️👩⚕️
This book is a one of the best books on relationships that I’ve read and is backed with a ton of research & studies. 🔬
Here are a few key lessons:
Women want a man who makes her feel heard and understands her feelings (often times listening to her problems solves the problem, you don’t always have to try to fix things). 🔨
When a woman is upset, her feelings become her facts. Let her express her feelings and listen to her instead of trying to solve things using logic. (Emotional problems require emotional solutions). 🗣
For this reason, don’t take her mood personally. It is constantly changing. What she says in the moment is how she feels in the moment, not how she feels in general. 🧠
The 4 horsemen of a bad relationship are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. ☠️
Never stop dating your woman, even when you have kids. Try to have one date night a week to catch up on things, get to know her and keep the romantic spark alive. ⚡️
This book is short (less than 200 pages long) and sweet (backed with a ton of science and interesting studies). Highly recommend this book, 5/5 stars 🌟.
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33 63813 hours ago
I don’t believe this. I believe you can have all three. Don’t settle for just two.
We don’t often tend to think too much about our love offerings.
We don’t often think that giving/showing someone “too much” love or gratitude could ever be harmful to someone.
There are two things I’d like to offer here that might help to unpack this question.
First though, let’s define love-bombing.
Love-bombing is a form of extreme expression of love or affection in order to “influence” another person.
It is a manipulation that is self-serving rather than an expression focused on benefiting the other.
It can create heightened sensations for the other person and a relational environment that makes it hard for the person on the receiving end to assess the relationship dynamic with a sense of logic and grounded-ness.
With that said, we all benefit when we give love and express gratitude to others.
So my first piece to help you asses the line between offering genuine love and “love-bombing” has to do with our intentions.
Assessing our “why” when we are expressing love or gratitude to see if we have any “hidden” agendas is essential.
It’s normal to have the desire to become closer or more connected to someone when we express love/gratitude.
But if we are find we are expressing ourselves from a space of wanting power “over” someone or are greatly attached to creating an outcome regardless of how it impacts another, we might want to take some steps back or get some support.
The second piece that helps us assess where the line is, is by being present with the individual before us.
Pacing things out and paying attention to someone’s response and their body language can also help us assess whether they are enjoying our loving gestures or if they are overwhelmed by them.
I sometimes check in with people (and particularly with clients) if I have given them a big compliment and if I am not sure how it landed for them to see if they felt comfortable or not.
Some people cannot handle too much flattery too quickly.
It can repel them and even sometimes bring up shame.
People who have had experiences of being love bombed/manipulated will likely be more sensitive to this and will need a slower pacing. #coachingwithsilvy
What would you add to this?
159 3,3065 December, 2019
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