Many apocryphal pseudo-scientific methods exist—which we will debunk with this manual—on how to survive being swallowed by a whale. In actuality, steps are simple, scientific and clear cut.
If you are unfortunately swallowed by a whale: don’t panic. Survival increases dramatically by remaining calm and level-headed. If you lack a diving suit, take a deep breath. Contrary to popular belief whale’s are not oxygen-filled environments, a misconception perpetuated by Pinocchio and survivors, who report gas bubbles. Whales, however, are notoriously flatulent beasts and bubbles are likely methane.
Ending up in the mouth rather than the stomach is winning half the battle. Steady yourself and—carefully—feel the gum-line. If you feel bristles, congratulations: a baleen whale swallowed you and extrication is easier. Despite cavernous plankton-scooping mouths, baleen whales—including blue, humpback, grey varieties—can’t swallow you through baseball-sized esophagi. Simply stroke your feet against the grain of the tongue or tickle the uvula. Upon detecting a quaking sensation, quickly assume somersault position as the whale is preparing to sneeze. Whales sneeze through their blowhole and balling up helps you pass smoothly through. If you become stuck—relax—the whale will continue sneezing until firing you to safety like a circus cannonball. //
Feeling banana-sized teeth or entering a stomach, signifies a toothed whale—a dire situation. Act quickly and carefully to avoid mastication or digestion. A large esophagus may route you into one of four stomachs where digestive acid makes speed critical. Stomach types: “pink” are near the mouth and require reversing course; “green” are near the rectum and require journeying through intestines. For pink stomachs, releasing your tank’s air causes bloating and the whale to belch you out. Green stomachs are trickier: in the acidic juices, locate a giant squid tentacle. Remembering to turn tentacles clockwise to apply suction and counterclockwise to release, use the suction cups to assist your crawl through the digestive track. Continue until safely exiting the whale. //
Next, treating the bite of a desert centipede. . .
It is not such a bad thing to feel sadness from time to time. To cry. To let go of your body. To surrender to the darkness of your soul. It is okay to feel terrible. It is okay to shut down and block everyone out at any given moment. You are entitled to shatter. To heal. To look beyond the obvious and grow. 🥀
13 53311 December, 2019
I was like the water flowing down from mountains and you like sun rays shining upon me.