Growing up I have always been told that emotions expose vulnerability. Men are meant to remain emotionally strong by brushing their feelings to the side and not letting their weaknesses show, at least that’s what my granddad always told me. He filled the empty void created by my father after he left and never came back. He didn’t say goodbye and couldn’t even warn me, he simply vanished from my life before I got to know who he was. But my granddad was the only father-figure I ever needed. Many nights I would cry in my room, weighed down by the guilt of feeling like I was the reason why my dad left, but my granddad would always come to my side and tell me to man up. “There will be no tears in this house, you are a man”. I wasn’t the only boy in town without a father. Many of my friends lacked a father-figure entirely, yet they did not cry. On the days where the absence of my father took the strongest toll on me, I would choke on tears among my friends. They’d tell me that you can’t miss what you’ve never had, but with every moment that my longing eyes perceived a world where my very existence drove my father away, they could not help but well and overflow with tears of sadness. Maybe it’s because after living in my head for so long, I’ve convinced myself that perhaps in another life my dad never left. That maybe he’d even come back someday. Behind raw palms and shriveled fingertips I would hide my face. Granddad wouldn’t want me to let them see me crying. My granddad is expected to pass away today. The only dad I’ve ever known will be gone too. Granddad, once you pass I know I can’t be there with you, but I can dream. I can dream that we’re both up in the clouds and that you’ll always be there to give me the guidance I need. My granddad passed away tonight. I can’t be there with you, but I still dream. I’m sorry granddad, but there will be tears in your house tonight. With them will be smiles, but a few. Smiles when I think of you and all you taught me about being a man. And when my tears run out I will be numb and blue, until I’m up there with you.
Here I have a second round of my favorite summer albums that I believe deserve a place on everyone’s playlist. For our own summer playlist, hit the link in our bio. And massive thanks for 10k; we have a post for it on the way.
- The Supervisor